holly's diary

One of things i have done while ive been off that i have found quite interesting is that i have been putting my diary onto notepad to that i can print it out and stick in an actually diary. This hasnt quite worked though as i already have 298 sheets of A4 paper, so have decided to put it in a binder instead.
Its been really interesting reading it. There are things i had forgotten, things i would rather forget and things that are repeated far too often eg "I really should update this blog more often" I have also realised my spelling is rubbish ha ha. I was going to write attrotious but alas i cant
Apart from all that though one of the biggest things i realised was in how much i had changed. At the start of my musings i was engaged to someone else, working at a job id been in too long and living back at my parents. It was also unbenown to me at the time i was about a month away from my relationship finishing and my life going back to being a single woman in her late 20s. I also used the word diet too often followed by… I had this great cake/meal etc <smile>
Although i made the odd comment on here about it, i made the consious decision not to talk on here about the split and how things had gone really cack, as for one, we had some mutual friends online and also i wasnt going to stoop to an online slagging match. I do know though that there were lies etc told about me and at the time that really hurt and it took all my courage not to respond and wanting to know everything that was said about me.
I also remember being told about when he died just under two years after we split ( by Jono by some bizarre chance).
As i hadnt spoke about him for a long time on here it felt wrong to then talk on here about his death, to be honest though im not sure what i would have said. I felt for the people who were closest to him and of course his family, it was an awful thing that shouldnt happen to anyone. I also remember although thinking it was sad, i dont remember crying about it. I think i felt that in some wierd way that i had done my grieving when we split up. I cried alot then and i think it may have had some small part in the anxiety i felt the year after he died.
I think one of things i did feel was annoyance that although i didnt want him back i wanted to prove him wrong that i could make something of my life and not be the slob on the sofa reading trashy magazines while he was sitting at his kitchen table reading the financial times (his words lol). I now realise though that i dont need that to be happy.
I saw him twice from the time we split up to the time he died. Twice i was at a London meet, Once alone and the second with Jono. The first time he acting like a pratt but the second time he was friendly and polite to both me and Jono. The later was the side i liked about him not the former.
I remember once we had been split awhile, realising that the thing i actually missed was not our relationship as such but the idea of being married and an exciting life living in London. The rush and excitment of being with someone and not stopping and thinking ‘Is this right’ I remember i had to remind myself over and over again that i always said i would rather be single than with the wrong person.
Saying that though i dont regret our relationship and i believe everyone comes into your life for a reason and although i didnt realise it at the time, it made me a stronger person.
We had set a date to marry on the 18th September 04 and i remember praying to God asking that when the date arrived for it not to be a sad day. The date was about 20months after we split but i still prayed it. When the actual day arrived it was actually a day of celebration as it was my leaving meal due to the fact the following week i was moving up to Sheffield to be with my now husband Jono. An amazing answer to prayer. (that is the date and being with Jono).
Im sure some of you may be thinking why was he part of the anxiety.
At the time i found out he had died. I was living in Sheffield and had been engaged to Jono for a couple of months. I was really happy with my new life and then realised (although i dont think the wedding day would have happened) that if i was still with J then i would be a widow after only a year of marriage. It was a shock to the system. As i said above though, it was only a small part of the anxiety. I think my over worry about things and caring too much what people think etc were the major parts but this was just the extra drip in the bucket so to speak.
Wow i cant believe i have finally written all that in my diary. I have wanted to for ages. I have spoke to Jono about it before now and he has been really supportive but it never really felt right to put it on here as i wouldnt want to offend people who new him with what i have put. I hope i havnt at this point of writing it, but after reading my diary all the way through it seems right to do it now.
Other things i picked up in my diary was some occasional really profounded things (yes really ha ha). Things i had forgot about and things that seemed so important at the time but now looking back wasnt at all. I realised that although i moaned about my time at B……videostore…r, i generally liked it but didnt like all the rubbish that went on within the job.
I realised from reading my diary that i have a slice of my history on paper that although its not the most gripping of reads its mine and that makes it invaluable.
Although i dont post as much as i used to i think im sounding more positive and happy. That sounds wierd when its also been a time of being ill etc but i think its my life as a whole thats better. When you read about yourself it makes you realise that the things that go bad are the things that shape who you are and how you deal with things, but the good things are the things that sustain you and keep you enjoying life and wanting more and more of what is offered whether that is good or not so good. Hope that makes sense. I think there is a saying which goes something like…
‘you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I think that is so true.
I dont believe that i have gone though anything too tough to recover from but at the time you dont realise that. I think that is why i prayed that the 18th September would be a happy day, cause at the time i was sad and wanted the comfort of knowing that everything was going to be ok. My family and friends were amazing at that time and still are, but i remember at the time and i was also thinking this earlier today, I love that in my relationship with God, that when i dont know what to do about something, i can offer it up to him and hope he sorts it out. Like the song goes..
"cast your burdens, onto Jesus, for he cares for you"
On a lighter note i remember laughing in my blog at some of the things i said.
1- not realising who Zac Braff is (he is now on my yummy list)
2- thinking cooked chickens for £1.75 were an amazing buy. (Hugh firney whitingstall<spell> is to thank for my change of thought)
I also wish now that im printing it out that i hadnt called it holly’s diary as its not my real name but an abbreviation of my maiden name. My real name isnt spelt as it would traditionally be spelt and i also used holly on ship of fools so it seemed to make sense at the time.
I may change it at some point though not sure, but for now im going to stop signing it holly xxx (another reason for this is that people find my blog instead of some dodgy porn site. I am not holly triple X <blush>
Anyway i think its time for bed. Its been a good day spent with Jono relaxing and shopping. Three of my fave things in one day
Tomorrow is church and then enjoying more time with my wonderful husband and two gorgeous cats, before going back to work on Monday. Life is good (excuse cheesiness ha ha)
L xxx